#MemyselfandI I've carried on dating and understanding my #BPD and realising how mine really does like to mess up decent situations. Everyone's #personalitydisorder is different and we've all got to spend time getting to understand us, it's honestly felt to me like getting to know a completely different person. The calm non giving a fuck ratchet chill life ren, and then the ren who cries overreacts and reads so deeply into everything & is all about #chaos and #sabotage
So i went on a #date with this guy who i've been on quite a few dates with now he's lovely and kind very sweet, very much not like my usual type of man. I openly admit and have finally realised i go for complete assholes....because i don't think i deserve to be loved or to be happy. I feel like i should be punished and shouldn't be happy with a partner. If i feel content with someone I question things, i find faults in them, reasons for me to not see them anymore. But with the #assholes I give them chance after chance, find reasons why their "so wonderful" they aren't (facepalm). They literally could misuse my trust and because i've spoken to them about it and they say sorry i'm like okay its all good and forgiven. The cycle of punishment i keep dishing to myself.
I'd rather keep having this punishment then feel #vunerable with someone which is how i feel about this person. I'm used to being dominant and i don't like to let my walls down to people. It's easier for me not to have attachments, like with the assholes then actually find someone i do feel vulnerable with and can #trust. I've been hurt a lot by people i have trusted in the past and i just don't think my mind and soul could take that anymore, and that's okay to feel that way were human at the end of the day. We all have things that make us #unique
So this date of mine, I have told him i'd be writing a little blog on what happened on this date whilst we ate #nandos and I showed him my experimental #mashpatatoe with added #garlicsauce ....bigging up my food choice (he tried it, and did like it) I was going to pull a '#Joey doesn't share food' on him lol but wanted him to try it. *attach ren's smug face here*
So because this was like our 4th date and i realised i did like him, much to my #BPD fighting every positive thought about him, and filling my head with things i could see as faults. I wanted to tell him about my #mentalhealth. Now this is super important to me i don't want to not tell someone because i would feel like a fraud... like oh hi i've got an #sti but im just not going to tell you about it. So i sat there and told him I have #depression #anxiety & #personalitydisorder , I continued i attempted #suicide last year and i don't really have control on my emotions i can be like a rollercoaster *I am working on this*. I told him i was #abused when i was younger so #sex is really important to me and i can be a bit weird about it. I literally listed everything,i thought if he wants me he has to have all of me, and if he doesn't then that is his choice. I want to be honest and not ashamed of who i am or what i've been through. I did say to him after if its too much i understand not everyone can "deal" with me or may even want to. I sat there like, ergh watch he's gonna be freaked out and is gonna #byefelicia me....he didn't.
This is so bad, but i can't remember what he said haha! I just remember him being really supportive and sweet and that's what has stuck with me. I do remember him saying well take things slow, and that he's enjoying getting to know me and how he's been really happy since we've been going on dates, and that was the cutest thing ever! I did say my #mentalhealth is the most important thing to me and it does need constant work and he understood.
Like many of us, I've put so much pressure on myself to be unhappy and alone (sometimes not purposely), i've forgotten that it is possible to be content and happy. Now i have always been a #strong #independent #woman and i don't need anyone, but it is nice to have someone, someone to talk to. Because sometimes in this world we just #deal with things instead of asking for #help and its okay to ask for help it doesn't make us #weak... actually it makes us #stronger.
I just openly tell people now... i'm weird. Say it loud and proud for the people in the back! I accept myself for who I am.
#sabotage #doubt & #chaos are my middle names but what i'm learning now is breathe ren, take your time talk to people. Tell them the things that are bothering you, find another person's views. Talk, talk, talk! And let people in when you feel ready, this isn't a race you can go as slow as you want. At the end of the day this is your life to live an to lead to places you want, you're not living this life for anyone else.
This guy is doing good and making me smile, even if he did beat me at #bowling (i hate to lose lol ) but he won me a toy on the #clawmachines now that takes #skills haha. So big up C! So #positive thoughts take things slow, and see what happens
The possibilities in this world are endless...we just need to allow them to happen
#dating #bumble #love #relasionships #positive #mentalhealth #personalitydisorder #talk #speakup #youarenotalone #couples #dates #depression #anxiety #life #world #struggles #bedford #freaksandgeeks #girlpower #goals
Disclaimer; these opinions are of my own and in no way represent others or individuals. These scenarios are used to help and inform others of abuse and mental health and self help. They are no way directed at individuals. Ren