Recently I've been posting on my Instagram about self love and mainly knowing your worth. And as everything I write about it's usually because of something I'm going through, and in this case it's no different. It's all relative as they say;
So I was dating someone new, and it was all wonderful and fresh and new. I suppose that honeymoon phase that everyone goes through. I wasn't putting too much pressure on things, as I myself wanted to take things easy. I had so many gut feelings towards the end of the relationship that I had completely ignored. That I wish I hadn't of, and I wished my heart wasn't as kind too.
A week I'd say before things ended, he became very quiet and was cancelling plans, not texting back just kind of ignoring me I suppose. I kept making excuses for him, oh hes busy, he's got a lot going on. He's normally not like this. Because I tend to care for people a little too much I loose myself and forget about my needs. I was more concerned if he was okay than the fact I was being walked over. Me thinking he needs support and my love. We decided to remain friends, even with how he had been because "he's a good guy" and he obviously was going through things.
Friends didn't last long...about a day to be true. He ignored me once again, didn't turn up when we had plans. I broke down in tears. I felt completely and utterly betrayed. In all honesty I was angry with myself. How could I allow all this bullshit for so long specially as I'd only known him for a short amount of time. This got me thinking to the conversations we have with our friends/families about partners and how often we'll accept things.
We all have a moan about our partners that's normal, because we can't like everyone all the time. There's days when your partner can irritate you and you need some space. Or you fancy winding them up because why not?!
But when it start's getting to the point where your'e making excuses for their actions and behavior is when you really need to start asking yourself those questions. I was literally having these conversations with all my friends. And every time not just myself we were all coming up with excuses as to why he cancelled, why he couldn't text back etc. Like i'm not unaware we all work and have things going on. But when you see they can be on other things social media but not talk to you, you have to start questioning their views on you, and you as a priority.
My friend's mentioned a few times, your'e better than this, you deserve better. Know your worth. That old faithful....know your worth. But it seems to be once you get into a relationship you can become lost. and instead of knowing your worth you fear the loss. You fear the being alone, you fear the fact it's another failed relationship. We want to be loved, it's natural as human being's we need to be loved and cared for. But because of this we do allow things, we compromise on situations and behaviors we would't allow. Relationship's are complicated things, because your'e not just one person anymore. Your'e a couple, a team, you can't just think of your own feelings and issues. That's part of a healthy relationship.
But what's not healthy is when you allow their needs and issues and feelings to take over and for your's to be not important or valid. Because your feelings are valid, you are just as important as your partner. You cannot forget yourself to keep someone or you'll be lost till you loose them.
Knowing your worth is something that is not easy. We've spent most of our lives in situations where your worth is invalid. Where it is questioned. This can happen from general day to day events, your childhood, your family, friends, school, bullies. It's what's shaped our youth and growing. At some point in your life you have forgotten your worth and questioned it. "Why am i not good enough?" "Why did he cheat on me?" "Why didn't it work?" "It must be because i did this..."
We'd rather have question, and have self doubt and doubt our worth. Then accept the fact that they didn't see our worth or respect it. And because you allowed it, you doubted your own self worth. Allowed that person to walk over you, to treat you in such a way. To use you for situations that you don't deem acceptable. Knowing your worth isn't easy, it isn't something that happens overnight either. It takes practice and hard work.
I believe the older you get, the more time you have to experience things and have your heart broken, your soul tested and your worth doubted. But never settle, no matter the circumstances, no matter the situations your'e in. Settling and having your worth doubted isn't worth any relationship. It'll kill the person you are, and you won't recognise yourself anymore.
Start everyday by looking in the mirror and tell yourself "i love me, i love me. I am happy, I know my worth, I'm good, I deserve the best, I deserve loyalty & kindness" I'm actually smiling even just writing that because it's all true and once we start telling ourselves that who's got the balls to tell us any different?! No one, and no one has the right too either. We know our worth and we know what we deserve. Positive affirmations is the only way your'e going to achieve and manifest the things. Once you know your worth and don't settle for anything else nothing can stand in your way.
I look back at the relationships where I doubted my worth and lost who I was and I can't believe I was even that person. But I'm sure as hell not now... I'm me. And if you cant handle a confident independent woman who is ratchet as hell and knows exactly what she want's and her worth..move on mate because you sure as hell aren't good enough for me.
This journey won't be easy and it's going to take some commitment but we all can do it. Because there is nothing we cant achieve if we put our minds to it. But you will feel stronger once you do. Self love is making sure you love who you are first before trying to love anyone else. You are important, you are loved by yourself. If you can love yourself at your worst, and then again at your best...your'e being kind to your soul and looking after the person who needs it the most. You take care of yourself and love you the rest will fall into place...
I'm starting to trust in the universe and I can't wait to see what it has planned for me. Iv'e set self love goals to start next year, for a better version of me, for me and only me. To make myself happy, and love myself. Everyone set even one goal and talk to yourself everyday with the positive affirmations... trust me we got this
disclaimer: these opinions are of my own and are not directed at anyone Ren x