Yoga- Shmoga... Meditate- Levitate

"like omg have you tried yoga?" "meditate, cleanse do pilates" literally I'm hearing that in an american accent haha! So on a semi serious note because it is me... I've been focusing my attention on yoga and meditation.

I started with meditation first, because i really wanted to calm my mind down before I tried to do the same with my body. I've tried meditation before and it never worked for me. I could never just focus on nothing. How the hell are you supposed to find inner peace when so much is running through our minds daily? How can people just shut off like that? Finding enlightenment?! like seriously. I just couldn't. Then recently i just decided to try again. I don't want to give up so I tried.

I found a chakra balancing meditation that last's all of 10 minutes. Which is fantastic because not all of us have the time for something longer than that. We all have responsibilities. So i started this before Christmas, I wanted to try and ground myself. I told myself the next 6 months are for me. To heal to grow, to nurture myself. I set a goal. Twice a week that's all, twice.

Iv'e been doing it more than twice, and not because i'm putting pressure on myself because I want to. I feel that calm, i feel the worries leaving my body and it's an amazing feeling. I feel my chakras cleansing. I feel myself letting go of the things I don't really need to be holding on to. I feel that we all hold onto things, not just because we were hurt, we want to learn from our mistakes or lessons. But sometimes we are doing more damage to ourselves by not letting go. Yes we may have learnt a lesson, but we don't have to keep re-living it to remember the lesson.

I'll admit, Iv'e been the person to hold onto pain when I've been hurt. I think that's because from a young age when I was sexually abused I hid it. So even now ill hide it, but ill keep it close to me. I never dealt with my trauma as a child, and now in my later years I am trying. And with dealing with this trauma its made me see how i handle situations now. I don't deal well with betrayal, lying and not being a priority.

So the meditation, i close my eyes. I feel just my body and hear my breathing and the words spoken. After I'm done, i sit there quietly just taking it all in. Taking the joy that I've allowed to enter my mind, body and soul regardless of the pain I've felt. And its such an achievement even now i'm smiling as i write it. Never did i think i could do it. Let go. I honestly look back as i often do, to at times reflect but i don't look back in sadness or pain anymore. Don't get me wrong there will be key trigger moments and ill have a moment of sadness but my general overall calmness and inner peace is with me now.

I listen to calming music on you tube, I've found one with sea life in the background and i'm so happy because i love animals. Sharks are my spirit animal and there's something calming about the ocean. The way all the fishes glide with such grace. Everyone has their meaning in life and they literally amaze me. So literally whilst this is playing in the background, ill do yoga. I wasn't going to do too much as once, but yoga is actually helping with my physical injuries. I'm able to actually stretch those muscles that are still in pain, and be calm as i do it. The fact it co insides with my meditation makes it all that more relaxing. If i cant do some of the moves i don't, if i need a break ill take it. Everything is at my own pace and time, and i think that's the beauty of it. Yoga and meditation is all about you, you just focus on yourself and there is something beautiful about that, i suppose mainly the self love aspect of it all. Because we all deserve love no matter what form in comes in, but starting from within is a wonderful thing.

I look back to when i first started writing, i was filled with such sadness and lack of motivation to wanting to be here. A lot has changed in the last year, a lot has stayed the same. I think what's made a lot of different is the fact I've not given up. I've kept fighting to keep my job, I've been trying holistic therapies, continuing physio, going jogging with the dog, talking therapies about ptsd.

I was asked recently, wouldn't it be easier just to sack it all in?! (as in my job) my response "don't get me wrong I've thought about it, but then I've thought about ending my life too. If i give up on things and don't fight i wouldn't even be here today". Not everyday will feel the same and not everyday you'll wake up and want to conquer the world, but taking one day at a time and focusing on yourself is better than giving up.

Your'e never truly alone, always remember you have someone to talk to

Ren x