We all view failures differently. The goals we set for ourselves, the things we want to achieve and by when. I've been feeling was gonna say for a little while but that would be a lie, I've been feeling like this for sometime that i'm just utterly failing at life. Everyone from the outside is probably like is this girl for real? I've had so many therapists tell me why you think you're failing? Then sit there and they list all the things they see as me not failing.
You’re young, beautiful you have your whole life ahead of you. Any man would be lucky to have you.You’re so lovely and bubbly and smiley. You’ve written two books what an achievement. I roll my eyes...I'm sick of hearing all of that shit! In all honesty, because behind closed doors actually not even closed doors I’m very honest about my failings. I'm failing epicly.
So when i was younger a hell of a lot younger, 21 to be correct. I brought my first house the first of all my sisters. I was engaged to be married and trying for a baby. I was financially stable and content with the life I had. We went on nice holidays, I was spoiled with gifts the usual. I felt as though I had achieved something. Till my partner or 5 years decided to cheat on me when i had a miscarriage. Then my whole world literally felt like it blew up and smacked me across the face. He cheated on me because in his words I was too emotional after the miscarriage. After the break up it was horrible… arguments, horrible things were said and he was now with the new girl whilst still living in our house that we built together. He was an aggressive person, and he beat me. We came to blows, I defended myself because mumma didnt raise no bitch and I was never going to let someone hit me without hitting them back. Anyway rambling now so after a year of trying to sell this stupid house I did. But that left me with 5 years worth of memories, debt and hurt to deal with. Then i felt like i had failed and I thought to myself, surely ill never feel that low again in my life… roll on this last year
I was starting to feel more comfortable and confident in myself even with this newfound personality disorder.
But this last week or so has really knocked me for six. So I’ve been saving to buy a house and I found one this week. But then it turned out I wasn't able to carry on with the sale and the reality sunk in. I can't do this alone, even though that's what I want. I have to move out of my rented accommodation in December because situations have changed with my housemate, and the reality of it is that I have to move back home. So this girl with two books, beautiful blah blah has to move back home to mum's because I don't have enough money to have my own place. It's just again made me feel like such a failure, like who is this person how can i seriously just not survive, well even barely survive. I was just thinking to myself, am I going to be 40 year old still living at home. I started beating myself up and I spoke to so many of my friends who are literally doing the same, like why do I let what society deems as err have any kind of effect of me? Lord knows. Yes its not exactly what I want to do but there's nothing I can do to change it.
Acceptance of your failures are hard to deal with but at the end of the day were constantly setting standards for ourselves that can be too high and I know that i'm so hard on myself all the time. My friends hate it because I treat myself like shit sometimes, when were all in a shit boat, trying not to swallow.
I have to move back home, yes okay but ill save money. I'm the only one out of all my siblings that isn't in a serious relationship and hasn't been for the last 6 years… yes but who gives a flying fuck! I've been happy single this whole time, getting to know myself again and really understand what I actually want. I good person I met online told me that men are just handbags nice to have but not necessary i felt that.
Not saying i'm not open to things, because I am. I'm open to seeing what happens. And what i'm doing right now with that said person i'm enjoying and taking things at a pace we are both comfortable with.
Anyway what i'm trying to say is after all this rambling is: were all failing if you look at it from the point of view of the standards we set. Not one person is perfect, but set a goal and aim for that and don't stop until you reach it. My goal is to have my own little place with flash and shadow and i will get that. It may be taking a hell of a long time, but nothing drops onto your lap, everything we have to work towards
Disclaimer: These opinions are of my own and are in now way directed at persons. These situations are used to give advice and support. Ren x