Communication is key, people keep telling me. Communication can make or break a relationship of any kind. So we must talk about our problems.... *insert eye roll* Jeeze i get it, I bang on about it too, but I mean who takes their own advice?!
I have a real issues with talking, because once I'm open with someone i usually end up regretting it and wishing that I just stayed quiet. I mean if you're my mate, ill tell ya everything in great detail, half the time you probably don't want to know ha! But when it comes to serious stuff, i over play it in my head as many times as possible, seeing how things could turn out. What scenarios may or may not happen so I can mentally prepare myself for things...basically worst case scenario.
So a few weeks back, i received a text saying that this person needed to talk to me. I completely shat my pants. All these scenarios ran through my head. Mainly they've had enough of me. The whole day passed, and i still hadn't found out what this was about. I was bricking it. So i wound myself up and up. I was left hanging till the next day where i got the bollocks and said... " look i'm anxious about what you need to talk to me about". The response you don't need to be anxious..... BOOM all of a sudden I was like oh okay...i'm good. To be honest I think most people react this way when anyone say's that to them. But for me it just felt like the end of the world.. and I couldn't see past it.
I'm terrible at communicating, ill fester on something if you've annoyed me. The way that I am, i'd rather see you face to face then have a go at you, if somethings bothered me, because my theory.. you've got more time to lie, and think about your response via text or call. I suppose that is my trust issues from previous relationships and my bpd. Although some people are very good at lying to your face the narcissist.
I'm open and honest enough to say I am scared of rejection, scared of feeling anything for someone and for them to hurt me again. It's very hard to learn to trust people again especially if all that has been has been hurt. I've been hurt by men all my life..from when i was younger and abused, to my dad and the toxic relationship we had and all my previous loves too. I spoke to my therapist some time ago, and she explained to me that when I was abused when i was younger I went into freeze mode and that was the mode to just survive. So just be quiet don't say anything it'll be over soon. And i adopted that into the rest of my life. Until a certain age where I thought fuck this shit and ever since then I've had a lot of attitude and will tell you about yourself. But relationship wise i get scared. I'll show I care about you but in different ways, I'll send you memes or something. When I'm with you, you know I care, but I'm scared to admit I miss someone, or care for them because of what the response may be.
I suppose even if they say it back or something else sweet, I'll always be wondering is that a lie? are they just saying that to keep me sweet? It's annoying that my past relationships and my trauma have made me suspicious of peoples intentions, but it's something that I'm trying to learn to develop. We can retrain our minds, it just takes time and patience.
I know that with my bpd I will still have some of these issues, but I have realised that i do just need to talk to the person who's bothering me. Like i said for me it's face to face. Specially in dating, it's defo face to face...because kissing a cute face after makes it all worth while.
What to take from this...yes communication is key in all aspects of life. But don't be too hard on yourself if you struggle with it, find a way that makes you feel comfortable. Text, email, calls or face to face. You'll find a way and just be honest, I think if they don't like what you have to say or feel you can't change their minds, nor can you change who you are.
Always be true to yourself
Disclaimer: these opinions are of my own and are in no way focused towards anyone in particular. Ren x