Diary of a self proclaimed weirdo
Failure to launch… on maximum effort (#deadpool style)
Everyday is a battle, everyday is a new challenge, everyday brings up new unknown emotions. Everyday i dont know whats going on in my mind…
So i’ve been back at work now for nearly two months… damn didn't realise it was that long. How i look back at my time off sick and I miss it. To the extent of missing it because i could just be miserable at home without anyone judging my moody ass has. So this week instead of doing my phase back to work office stuff, i did my actual job..like a tester to see how I felt about it. Whether my mind and body would be okay being physically and mentally active again on a completely different scale compared to office work.
The night before I couldn't sleep, the morning of my anxiety was through the roof. I shouted at Nathan for the way he put the food back in the fridge… ( ocd taking full form when im anxious) I then told him off because he folded a wet bath matt.. I mean come on Nathan how’s it gonna dry when you do that ‘face palm’. I love that boy but when im anxious i see everything wrong. And Nathan being Nathan was like oh sorry, he’s had enough time now to understand my anxiety as best he can. Although after the fridge comment he said “wooooooow” proper extended wow haha then i realised i was being a bit crazy lol.
So I went into work, did my thing got ready. Bearing in mind it took me a whole morning to psych myself up to get ready to face people, to face the comments, to face what my body was going to feel like. We had a route in mind, and then it was changed, BOOM there it was i was holding back the tears. I had already built in my head where we were going, who I was going to see, pre determined the conversations and that had already been taken away from me. The control of the situation was already out of my hands…. Just like how the crash was. I was overwhelmed.
But I had Kelsey and Nathan by my side supporting me, and i mean really supporting me. They really are my guardian angels especially when it came to work the other day. My body suffered a lot on my first proper day back at work. My neck and back feel awful my headaches have come back because of the strain put back on my neck. But I tried my hardest, I put my physical pains to one side...popped some pain killers and felt determined to see how i felt in the role again.
I arrived at one of our collections met by smiley faces and kind words..but deep down I still felt uncomfortable. I said to Kelsey i feel like everyones looking at me, wondering why im not doing anything, thinking is she going to do something. She just replied “bro I ain't doing anything either, they're not looking at you, were both doing the same thing you're good...and you are doing even better than i thought you would”. That did bring a smile to my face and filled me with more confidence. Okay i got this, I am Ren this sassy confident person who can do this.
Someone shouted to get something. So i felt this was my opportunity to do it, and get back in the swing of things. So I did. Bearing in mind ive not been in the real world of work for 8 months and things have changed, i didn't quite do things as they are done. A comment was made, I don't believe in a horrible way but a jokey way but it didn't matter… that one comment made me feel that no matter how hard i try it will never be good enough. People don't see how hard ive tried to even come back to work, how much it took me to even get dressed, to smile, to talk to people, to do what was asked of me.
Getting up and facing the world is hard enough without feeling you failed at one thing. Then that just carried on, i was filling paperwork out with Nathan and I now was doubting myself. Doubting what I knew, what i didnt. And that brought me down to the point I came home deflated and cried. I didn't want to make food… I had cheesy mash with nandos sauce, I know wtf lol but i thought why bother.
Don't get me wrong I know no day is going to go well that's simply impossible, and i know i put a lot of pressure on myself and put high expectations on me too but it's just how I am.
I crave the normality of my life that I had before the crash, before the noob who was in my life, before the diagnosis. And as much as I don't want to accept it I have to now. This is my life, and I need to see it for what it is. I've taken the day off time for me, time to write a blog, do laundry watch #netflix and forgive myself for being my number 1 critic.
We’re not failing, being alive is an achievement on its own, getting out of bed, getting dressed anything we do is an achievement. We just have to learn to praise even the little things we do, because no one else can be our cheerleader but ourselves…. #selflove and all that jazz.
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Disclaimer; these opinions are of my own and in no way represent others or individuals. These scenarios are used to help and inform others of abuse and mental health and self help. They are no way directed at individuals. Ren
