Like the dating game couldn't be any harder. Wait! Let me add #anxiety #depression & #personalitydisorder into the game just for the bants...
Its #2019 and everyone is on dating sites like #tinder #bumble #plentyoffish where self advertisement is the one thing that attracts people to you online. You've got to really show why you're worth a #swiperight or a message, or even a #superlike. So having #mentalhealth issues and seeing a lot of the bad sides of you this is hard.
Now i was born in 1989 where you used to meet people out and about and then just decide to date and be together. Nowadays it's all online "going casual"... now i sound super old but it's bloody hard! And i know people old and young can relate to that. But i thought right i've been through alot i might not be ready for a relationship but i'm ready to get there meet people and see what happens, if i meet the right person cool if not i'm getting out and socialising.
So i set up a bumble profile, oh the amount of effort and thought that goes into it for someone with #mentalhealth issues. standard questions like age, height, smoker, drinker...then body type. Ermm okay i said average i don't know what I am and i'm sure as hell not comfortable with saying. So average was best.
Description of yourself time: So my thought went to what's going to lure these "potential victims" into my spider web so i can black widow them lol. Standard stuff I live in #bedford, im 29, i've got #tattoos and a lot of them. I've got a cat and dog. Then thought hey add this in... pocket sized 5ft 3 with a little emoji. They'll think yeah she's cute and small. I added a few pictures where i was mainly smiling, with friends, pets and #snapchat filters ofcourse. And all i thought was don't show your additional issues, as i had seen a lot of men write no women with baggage, emotional issues, and aint after being a stepdad. Kind of pissed me off though, no one is without their issues and baggage. We've all sinned unless you're fresh out of the womb if not shut up. And i am a #girlwithbaggage accept me or not.
Anyway so it was going pretty well was talking to quite a few people and going on dates yes! this weirdo can get dates. But then my good old friend personality disorder decided to add some negative thoughts into my head...standard behaviour. I was supposed to be going on a date with this guy and meeting at 8. But because I had previously cancelled on him and i hadn't received a text to confirm the date so of course i jumped to conclusions and decided he was standing me up, bitched to my best friend Nathan and planned to get drunk with him. Literally 5 minutes after i did this, he text me and said he was waiting outside the bar we was supposed to meet at. Omg i felt like such an idiot so had to rush there, i did tell him i thought he had cancelled on me. Decided not to lie ha.
My personality disorder really does like showing up and making me look like a weirdo. I do try and pre warn people without giving too much of myself away at first, because not everyone understands mental health issues and it can scare people off. I told his guy i was chatting to that i was 100% ratchet and he should expect me to be sassy at times,and you know what he said "i like that about you" everyone says this and then regrets it soon after realising i'm a lot to handle haha.
We had a really fun date, very touchy close sort of like we already knew each other. But he didn't kiss me at the end of the date (i dont usually kiss on a first date anyway) but because the date went well i thought he would. Then my mind went crazy oh he obviously doesn't like you then. Maybe he didn't think you was good looking, you had your glasses on obviously thought you looked too much like a nerd. He saw your acne scars in real life and realised how gross you look. He saw you haven't got #instargrammodel arse ...its flat yes i know. So my mind went and went and went, and i was over reading into that he didn't text back for a few hours. So i texted and asked he said he didn't kiss me because he knew i dont kiss on first dates..i was like phew okay calm down now.
More days past and the texts got less, i was like right he dont like me. What's wrong with people, were adult's just say. Usually before i do something which could been seen as over reactive impulsive and ratchet i usually talk to Nathan because he calms me down and makes me think like a "normal person" would. Bless him he keeps me grounded. But he was at work how dare he! so I text this guy and pretty much said to him, ' i'm getting that vibe from you, no worries i'm gonna bow out gracefully' with a peace emoji. I'm embarrassed even writing this now. But it's me and I did it what more can i say, what more can i do. I can't take it back. I went to the extreme to delete our conversation, his number and delete him off bumble and all pictures he sent. I delete and block a lot for my own peace really so i don't keep having that temptation to look back to the past..
He was busy at work and apologised...left me feeling like a twat. but he was very understanding.
I know that most people would be bothered too, if they thought they were being #ghosted but sometimes i just can't handle it and would rather have an answer to it. An answer, for me i'd rather be told im not interested in you then left with nothing. As my mind won't stop then i can't sleep and can't seem to let go. That's one of the main things I have learnt from my personality disorder, especially if i click with someone too.
The dating scene really is difficult, and can be daunting for many but please know a lot of us are actually in the same boat. And many of us react in the same ways I have described above, and even sometimes more. But every reaction, impulse is okay everything that happens is something to learn about, to learn what we don't like, what we will and will not accept in a relationship. And the end of the day it's us discovering ourselves, our mental health and discovering kind hearted people who can be understanding of it. We need to give ourselves a break and just accept the weirdness & embrace it, and love who we truly are..then we'll be masters of this game
Everyday were discovering more about ourselves and others... be prepared to be surprised
Disclaimer; these opinions are of my own and in no way represent others or individuals. These scenarios are used to help and inform others of abuse and mental health and self help. They are no way directed at individuals. Ren