“When it hasn’t been your day, your week or year...I’ll be there for you” If you don’t know where this is from where have you been?! “Could you be any more confused” Haha
But no in all seriousness…. Friends. How can I explain friends. A social group of people, that you do “social” activities with. Sometimes you get deep meaningful relationships out of them, sometimes it’s just a person you see every now and then. Then you can get people you don't like but for some reason are still friends with them. What I’ve learnt over the years friendships are just as confusing as anything else going on in your life.
Now finally after 29 years on this earth, I have learnt how my scale works in regards to friendships. With my personality disorder as my right hand girl observing to make sure I show my psycho ass every now and then, you know, just to make sure my mates know ...leave me and i’ll probably stab you.
I have trust issues, so for people to even come in what I class as my circle, this isn't a group of people. This is a circle I surround myself with and only certain people can come into that group, because only certain people have the right souls for that group.
Over the years I’ve been hurt and ridiculed for my mental health and now its like full throttle with a bloody diagnosis, I was scared to let people in. Scared to tell them how I feel on my low days. It’s taken a lot of trust building with these few individuals, but those few individuals I wouldn’t be here without. Making my nonsense seem real, making my madness seem acceptable, and making me not worry when all my mind wants to do is just that.
No secret I have been having a tough time again, feels like I write this so much. But fuck it I’m not ashamed to say it. Last week I had a breakdown and was contemplating suicide again. Things had just piled up on me, work piled up. The blog, the instagram the book sales it all piled up on me and I just thought oh can i really be asked with all this?! So the doctor recommended signing off work just till I sort my head out… good idea I needed that.
So I've had some time off and so far it was full of crying, headaches, detachment. Then I spoke to my online friend Fay. (love ya girl) who told me this is normal, don't ever let your mental health win. It doesn't define who you are. Talk to your workplace. I listened to her she was right. I spoke to them and all of a sudden I felt this weight just leave my body, leave my soul. I finally calmed down, I told them how I felt rather than keeping it air locked in and It felt amazing.
I had planned an escape room night out with some of my friends. I wasn't going to go due to being off sick and really not being in the mind frame for outdoor life. But as time went on I realised I needed to get out of the house, being inside isn't helping me, wasn't benefitting my mental healing, nor my socialising. So I decided to go with the gang, and I had such an amazing time. I was in tears laughing, such a nice change from tears of pain and sadness. It was so great. They were all supportive, all aware. They checked on me in situations to make sure I felt comfortable without making it obvious they were concerned. Like my security blanket but hidden well enough so deep down in myself I could feel comfortable. And for those 60 minutes or “die” in the game I forgot about everything in the outside world and really just lived in the moment with those friends of mine.
These friends have been there for me, some longer than others. Some have dipped in and out and I’ve fallen out with them. But we've all come back together and I can’t think of a better group of people. Who in their own individual ways make me feel valued and appreciated. These friends of mine help me “escape” the prison of my mind much like how we escaped the hostage prison in the escape room. They did that by just being them, being kind people. Idiots at times...I mean looking for hints and Nathan starts Neyying like a horse….nothing to do with the game at all. But even now just thinking about that puts a smile on my face.
Now Im starting to understand who I am, letting people in who I trust and who care for me is.. I wouldn't say becoming easier but becoming less of a fight within myself to allow it to happen.
So a little shout out to these few good eggs my escape room team,
Kelsey my brother from another mother, we started from the bottom and now we're here together. Training to working properly together I can always count on you to be my ratchet mofo! And listen to my nonsense no matter when.
Jordan G- Our friendship kind of popped out of nowhere, but that's what I love about it. We can chat for hours and it not feel anywhere near as long. Can count on you to be there even if I drag you into a car and make you drive to a random house in London with potential danger haha
Jordan L- Now we've had our ups and downs and fallings out. But thankfully you've grown up and i've stopped being so crazy. But i'm glad we sorted through things, I missed having you around the house annoying the absolute hell out of me. And just generally being there for me.
Nathan the biggest tit of them all. My family. Where would I be without you, I mean probably somewhere a lot cleaner and more dramer free. Me and you have had loads of ups and downs...mainly because of me i’d say but mainly provoked ha. But you've supported me on my worst days, kept medication away from me when i've been suicidal, drove me to appointments. Brought me cake when i crave it ...mostly everyday. No matter how much you annoy and stress me out you'll always be my family and my best friend.
Enough mushy stuff im gonna go pump some weights now or something… ha. But guys thanks for being there, when I struggled to be there for myself
#mentalhealth #meantalhealthactivist #personalitydisorder #friends #escaperoom #miltonkeynes #depression #suicideawareness #suicideprevention
Disclaimer; these opinions are of my own and in no way represent others or individuals. These scenarios are used to help and inform others of abuse and mental health and self help. They are no way directed at individuals. Ren