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Escaping reality...entering the realm of imagination

  • Writer: Ren
    Ren
  • Apr 27, 2019
  • 5 min read

So this was my second week back at work and I was starting to feel quite positive about going back. Every day is different but that’s something to be expected, I was finally getting a bit more of a routine back. Sometimes having a routine, something to look forward to and focus your mind is a godsend. Unfortunately this week at work just wasn’t that, it was the complete opposite... *insert eye roll*



I just had one of those days, we all know what they’re like, when one thing triggers you then more and more happens. Like the old domino effect. That’s exactly what happened. I just felt completely overwhelmed. I’ve spent the last 6 months at home with mainly seeing immediate family and close friends, not really in busy crowds or loud spaces basically winning at being a hermit. And the people who I have seen know what triggers my BPD off and tend to be a bit more sensitive to the situation. But obviously I’m not ridiculous in thinking everyone should be this way, it’s impossible for everyone to know or even understand what triggers me off. Once all the manic grew at work I tried to move away from it, a bit of quiet time, didn’t really work as more people entered the room. Once my shift was over I went home and completely crashed from mental exhaustion.



I accepted defeat...my body and my mind was telling me don’t go into work tomorrow, so I didn’t. My mental health wellbeing is more important than anything else. I know what’s going to make me worse and I knew I needed some peace and quiet and to make myself happy even if it was for just a day. So I took the day off and my bosses were ace and understood, they’re being very flexible and understanding with what’s going on.



I booked myself a viewing of Avengers- Endgame in Vue cinema in those fancy recliner seats. I mean why not! This is an exciting event all us nerds have waited for, and I wanted to be comfortable after my accident. I’m being super cheap because I’m broke as hell, paying for physio therapy and medication is expensive so I packed myself a drink and some treats to take with me ha! I went alone, I honestly love spending time on my own its one of the things that settles me. I kind of don’t like relying on someone else or peers to make me happy. As Ru Paul says if you can’t love yourself how do you expect anyone else to....like preach. So alone time is important for anyone.


Going alone is fine, would of been nice to go with others but I realised I’d prefer to go alone then with these people who aren’t who I thought they were. I think when you see who people are and what they deem as acceptable behaviour of others the way in which you feel about them changes too. I’m tired of honestly seeing the good in people when they are happy to sit on the side lines and be happy with what I went through, and use my life as something to gossip about with others. This is my life at the end of the day and I’ve been through hell and back, I don’t need that negativity in my life. Thank you...Next. Not being sour or sassy just accepting that this is what some people are like, don’t want to keep looking back.



Anyway back to the movie... wow oh wow. My oh my. What an amazing movie! In those 3 hours of pure bliss I felt at ease I felt happy, I was able to just forget what happened the day before. I smiled so much during that film; I got shivers in scenes and felt emotions. It was just amazing to see what people are actually capable of. Like these actors and everyone else who has a part in making movies bring so much joy to people’s lives. For me and I’m pretty sure many others movies are such an escape, I can watch a film place myself in it and escape the world. I need an escape a lot of the time, not ashamed to admit that. I play video games for that, anime programmes and superhero movies. I’ve always wanted to be strong like them not let anything get to me, but as I watched endgame I realised they all had their flaws , things to make them vulnerable. Things that hurt them, things they couldn’t let go of. We can have the abilities to be this major hero, but were only as strong as our weaknesses too. You can’t have one without the other. I mean, if the avengers can’t get over losing to Thanos, and replay events but still try with all their might and don’t give up, I think I’m good in saying we can all have that superhero mentality. I haven’t got my batman tattoo for no reason really haha.



Taking a time out, taking a refresher, just giving yourself a little break is okay. I always forget that when I’m having my down days. I still beat myself up for being “weak” and not being able to handle everyday situations but fuck me everyone has those days, just a little thanks to my personality disorder (hey girl) it does amplify this. But with a little thanks to my friends and family for reminding me it’s okay, and reminding me that I’m 100% ratchet and to tell people to shut up when needed of course and just to be strong and stand up for myself like I always have done. They reminded me to talk about what’s bothering no matter who it’s to. I think we just have to realise we can have a bad day, a bad few days/weeks I’ve gone as far as a year and that’s okay as long as we talk about it. Also accept what makes you happy, use your imagination its a beautiful thing



We’ll always have the power to come back, because we as humans have some mad superhero powers and that’s to never give up.






Disclaimer; these opinions are of my own and in no way represent others or individuals. These scenarios are used to help and inform others of abuse and mental health and self help. They are no way directed at individuals. Ren

 
 
 

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