As all good stories start, I was at home watching Family Guy doing my usual routine in the morning. Attempting to eat a breakfast that I actually fancy and doesn't make me feel sick. Since the crash a lot of food I can't stomach. So I find a go to… at the minute its chocolate crunch muesli thing.
This episode Brian and Stewie go back in time, but as all good time travel stories go if you change something in the past it has an effect on the future. The time space continuum, or the butterfly effect I suppose. I found it hilarious, there was so many past events they had messed up, mainly because of Brian trying to make something of himself, from stopping 911 to creating Harry potter. I mean I can't blame him, why let something bad happen if you could stop it or change it.
That got me thinking of my recent conversation with my therapist. We spoke about my life, my childhood, my abuse, my past lovers and everything that has happened in my life. I said to her “ I do wonder how different my life would be or would have been if these certain events didn't happen”. Who would I be today, who would my friends be where would I live, would I be married have kids? Would I still have the same outlook towards men and relationships. All of these questions were running through my head and I suppose still are. To me life is being curious, and wondering but that age old saying curiosity killed the cat. We can’t go back and change things so why look back? When your future is inevitable?
So a few days later after therapy this was still on my mind. Nathan and I were out buying KFC because we deserved a treat and it was Friday… (our excuse) He had a long day at work so we generally talk about our days and catch up. He mentioned to me someone who had in so many words not a pleasant upbringing, but said that he would never do anything to change how his past was because his life would not be what it is now. Nathan told me he has such a positive outlook on life, regardless of what this person has been through. I respect that to use what hurt you to make you a stronger person, that takes a lot of your soul to achieve that.
It made me smile, because like many say to me they were unaware of the things in my life till my blog. And I always wanted to seem “normal” to others I suppose. I wanted things to be different I wanted what's happened to me not to of happened. But then where would I be? Acceptance is the hardest thing any of us have to do, but I think once we start accepting who we are is when we truly start living.
I am Ren, I have a personality disorder. I suffer with anxiety and depression. When im having one of my “mad ones” i clean like there is no tomorrow, mainly with bleach clean all away that bad juju. I cry a hell of a lot now, especially when things become too much and I don't have time to deal with things. I feel lost a lot, I don't always feel like I belong. I like my own company and my family and close friends that's about it haha. I can’t and don't want to let others in because in all honesty I deserve peace. And being alone is the only time I have it, maybe one day that will change. But till then I'm accepting who I am. I overthink everything, every scenario, every choice, every conversation I have and i'm constantly thinking about the consequences and whether or not it was the right choice. But I've started to realise and see that choices are unique, out of 100 people who is going to pick the same answer.
Every human being is different, every choice has different consequences and we have to live with it. Life is going with the flow, your pace, your movement, your choice...lead with it.
Accept who you are, flaws or not, unique 100% because there is no one else out there like you. Stand up and believe in who you are….
Because we cannot change what has already been done, but we have a choice in what happens now.
New published book available on #amazon on #kindle and #paperback form
#mentalhealth #personalitydisorder #mentalhealthawareness #suicideawareness #work #social #girlwithbaggage #memyslefandi #blog #blogging #help #speakup #honest #truth #power #girlpower #facebook #comeback #stronger #guilt #shame #ptsd #anxiety #depression #selfhelp #support #bedford #youarenotalone #staystrong #positive #vibes #live #life #love #accident #reality #endgame #avengers #movies #marvel #superheros #strength #hermit #nerd #gaming #xbox #anime #friends #family #imagination #familyguy #timetravel #past #present #future #butterflyeffect #adultswim #brian #stewie
Disclaimer; these opinions are of my own and in no way represent others or individuals. These scenarios are used to help and inform others of abuse and mental health and self help. They are no way directed at individuals. Ren