Life & death, a beautiful lie & a painful truth

Like many of us, I was scared of death. I could never understand it,never comprehend what it really meant. Where did we go? What happened once we went? Does the world just carry on? Will we be remembered? How can we be here one moment and then just gone the next? I used to think about this a lot when i was younger, i would cry myself to sleep being scared of the thought of it . I'd be angry towards death, asking why do we have to leave? why must we be taken when we don't want to. A lot of us still feel this way towards death. My views and thoughts on death have changed a lot since my last suicide attempt. #suicideawareness

Now previous to my other blog's about my mental health and struggles I have tried committing suicide but never enough to really guarantee I wouldn't be here.

Till recently when the world just became too much for me and I lay in bed late one friday night alone. I had tried to reach out to people mainly this was to my previous love and i was ignored, i suppose for him to reach back to someone he genuinely doesn't care about, he had no weight on his mind. So there i was in bed, i played a song that made me in a way feel powerful to the choice i was about to make. Rihanna- Diamond. In my mind i was about to be at peace and would be shining bright in the sky soon as a star. I cried a lot, no easy choice to make, to decide you want to die and you don't want to be on this earth anymore. Regardless if people deem suicide as an easy option, they have not lived this option and the courage it takes to actually go through with it. I had written letters out to my loved ones and sent a few caring text messages out, and organised my belongings and where my money would go.

There i was sat in my bed all prepared, music on nothing much more to do really then do what i had set out to do. So i did it,I took over 90 tablets that night. Strong painkillers and sleeping tablets. No regrets. I got comfortable in my bed, with the thought of i won't wake up tomorrow, weird to say for others to hear but i had a smile on my face. This was my choice, me finally taking control and i was content.

The next day i woke, delirious confused. Honestly when i woke i thought to myself oh is this heaven. How things look when you die, you just carry on living that life. It was a strange, scary, surreal feeling for me. One that will always be with me. Once i realised i wasn't actually dead and my swaying was because i still had a lot of medication in me, i thought oh crap! This made me realise i needed help, not only mental health help but physical help to make sure i haven't caused any permanent damage. I called family, and I had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

From family members, friends, to a & e staff, to mental health coordinators i was told "what you did was selfish"."do you not feel guilty" "how would your family carry on without you". I felt like a child being told off for stealing or cheating. For the first time, i was like right im going to be honest about my mental health. No i don't feel guilty, and you may think it's selfish but it was my choice. This is my life, no one else is living it, no one else is experiencing what i've been through. To me all the absolute shit i've had thrown at me my whole life i was finally taking control and choosing what i wanted...that just happened to be death, the thing i had been scared about for so long.

I had a meeting with my psychiatric doctor, who then diagnosed me with not only depression but with personality disorder. She said promise me you wont try this again. Honestly to get out of there i was like yeah okay. I'm not going to lie, yes i still have suicidal thoughts but i'm working through them especially with this blog.

I always used to think death is scary, but since coming so close to it i see it completely different. Death is the painful truth that a lot of us push away. But life is that beautiful lie, we see life as this special thing that should be worshiped. Don't get me wrong we should be thankful for life and just generally being able to experience all that we do. And i do, i love life and i am happy I am still here. Just i do not regret the decision i made then, because i don't believe in regrets i believe in choices, and lessons learned. I've realised death is also a beautiful lie,we are made to fear it made to think this is the worst thing to happen to us. Then why do we hear people say once someone as passed "at least they are at peace now" Life and death are both beautiful, they are both a part of life, both something we all must face and experience. Both part of living. You cannot have one without the other.

Since coming so close to death,i appreciate it for what it is. To me death is just another journey for us to go on. To where it takes us we all have own theories, to me death will be reunited with loved ones who are no longer with us. Being happy and loved.

I feel your life is yours,we can only live our lives for us. If were not happy in our choices, are we really living?

Life and death come hand in hand, just know it's not over once it comes...it's not the end it's another beginning....

Disclaimer; these opinions are of my own and in no way represent others or individuals. These scenarios are used to help and inform others of abuse and mental health and self help. They are no way directed at individuals. Ren