Mirror mirror on the wall, this is the real me warts and all..

From the very moment we are born, people have an idea of who we will be, what we will do, how we will behave. As we get older and start to mentally develop we see parts of ourselves and begin to progress from there. We join school and our teachers have a view on us, our peers have an opinion of who we are, what we want, and what we will become. Through life we are in a constant battle of what people want to believe and see to what we really are.

There's no denying like many of us i was bullied in school, for several reasons still to this day some effect me. I was too skinny, i had short hair, i have acne scars, i had big boobs, i was bullied for my name and i was bullied for having a lot of male friends. A lot of us can't wait to leave school, leave the bullies behind, be your own person and not have to deal with such things as bullies anymore. I think a lot of us don't realise is that even as you get older there are still people like that, people who make judgements on your life without even knowing you, spreading vicious rumours and belittling you.

Im 29 years old, and i can say without being ashamed this is something i still suffer with. From the outside if you don't know me what you see is, this confident girl who is loud, bubbly, friendly, unique, happy and who has a lot of male friends also to add sassy and rachet. But the person i see in the mirror and the person i know is all those things but more, not quite as everyone sees me.

I started a new job about 2 years ago, a job which entailed me being confident, assertive and to have drive. I was so excited, this was a job i'd been looking for my whole life, i wanted the challenge. I wanted to push myself to achieve my goals, i mean who doesn't, we deserve to achieve things, deserve to be happy, we deserve to be our own cheerleader! What i didn't realise was the amount of bullying, comments and generally being treated like an outkast came with this job.

From the moment i started the job, thankfully along side a newly made friend we were treated like outcasts, now not by everyone but definitely quite a few of the members of staff. Several of the staff had the approach of,I don't like newbies and had instantly decided they didn't like us. Now this a job where you need to work as a team so it was hard not just for me but my friend to understand this, we hated it, hated the people we worked with minus a few.

As the weeks/ months went on we were settling in, we still had people who didn't like us for the reason of being new but we had accepted it by then. I had began making really good friendships with a lot of the male staff, this is quite a male orientated job role. And if you really know me you'll know i do tend to get along with men better as I am a tomboy. But for me this started a lot of judgement from others, speaking behind my back, making their own assumptions that were honestly truly hurtful and damaging.

People began saying i was a slut, i was sleeping with all of the male friends i had. Within my first 6 months of being there according to others i had already slept with 5 different men to whom i worked with. If i went out with them to socialise i'd be the talk of what they assumed happened. Ren's such a slag she's such a slut, she'll sleep with anyone. As a survivor of sexual abuse when i was younger this crushed every part of my soul, I had beaten myself up for so many years. I believed this is why i was abused and now others were coming to this conclusion about me without knowing me. They had no idea on how it was effecting me, for me to have friends and these thoughts and comments people were making about me. I would go home and cry, i would cry to those male friends of mine and all the while they told don't worry theyre jealous you've got a cool connection with us but i did worry and i was upset.

This continued for a very long time, i had started to become self conscious and even started coming up with lies that i had a boyfriend so they'd stop these rumours and hurtful things about me. This didn't help, apparently i was still sleeping with people at work whilst having my fake boyfriend. I couldn't win, they decided who and what i was and that was that. I was being punished for actually being me, for being true to myself. One comment that was made that will stick with me and which made laugh was " ren fakes her interests so the boys like her". I did laugh at this and i think it made me realise no matter what i do people have their judgements. I am a full on nerd and i love video games, wrestling, super heros, marvel, dc, ufc, action movies/ series. But according to them this is all fake. I laughed, funny how this is all fake, yet i have a batman tattoo on my foot that i got years before i even started this job.I am not pretending who i am anymore, i'm not going to conform to what others believe i am, nor should you. You are a powerful individual with individual traits and a wonderful personality and no one should ever make you doubt who you are...warts and all.

My introduction to anyone who doesn't know me or thinks they do and have decided who i am. This is me in my mirror warts and all. I am a 29 year old single indian women, I have too many tattoos to count, and several piercings. I am a full on nerd! i love gaming, tv series and super heroes, my favourite superhero is batman and my favourite movie of all time is lock stock (good olde british gangster movie). I have no children but i plan to at some point, i have a cat and dog who i love they are my children. I have had 3 serious relationships and have been engaged twice. I have had 5 miscarriages in my life each one is as hard as the last. I have had 9 sexual partners i am not a slut, my method is i only sleep with people i love, but this is everyone's choice who they want to share that part of themselves with not for anyone to make judgement of. I was sexually abused when i was younger, and it still haunts me today. I have suffered with depression since i was 20, and only 9 years later been diagnosed with personality disorder and depression. I have attempted suicide twice in my life. I smile and laugh a lot because i don't want to be sad and others find it hard to deal with when i am sad. I've let a lot of men/women walk all over me in my life because it's what i thought i deserved and i sometimes did this because i wanted to be loved i craved love. I've spent the last 5 years single trying to heal my pains and betrayals. I've spent the last 5 years figuring out who i am and being confident and happy in my own company, and self love. I am a spiritual believer, and believe in goddesses and karma. I was recently betrayed by a very close friend of mine , and had my heart broken but i will heal.I'm very ratchet when i get going people have witnessed this. If you're my friend i love you with my all and you are my family. I always want to be me, and never think i'm what people say i am...

This is me..all of me.Telling you what i see in my mirror warts and all. This is me stripped naked to my core. See my soul for what it is, who i am and who ill always be honest and true. We need to be true to ourselves no on else. Crave a love so deep in ourselves..shine greater than the sun......x

Disclaimer; these opinions are of my own and in no way represent others or individuals. These scenarios are used to help and inform others of abuse and mental health and self help. They are no way directed at individuals. Ren