Tell me who do you see....

Who do you see in the mirror looking back at you?

Since my diagnosis I’ve been really struggling with who I am. I feel detached from the person I was before. And even though it’s “just a diagnosis” it has morphed me into a new way of thinking, especially about myself and how I now see myself.

Since the day of you have a mental health disorder….called “personality disorder” i just thought yeah I’m bat shit crazy and that’s that. They gave me the leaflet of what “causes” this disorder and some factors and the erratic behaviour we can show, but to us a coping mechanism.

I didn't realise till this weekend, I mean it had been building up for sometime but I just wanted to lay in the bliss of happiness, that I haven’t really dealt with anything i’ve been going through. It’s like the domino effect it keeps going and if you pull one out to try and deal with it you’ll mess the whole thing up. And I know i really don’t want to be doing that.

I went from car accident, to being treated like scum, to suicidal, to personality disorder. Then to recovery of some sort, house hunting, new relationship, back to work, the stress, house sale falling through, new car, making peace with old demons, moving on with old friends. I never stopped to really stop. As much as I enjoy me time and i've pulled myself from out of hell and have the burn marks to prove it, I haven’t given my mind the time and day it needs.

I spoke with my therapist today, she made me see things so differently and got me to see that needing time out from everything isn’t wrong, it doesn't make me a bad person. I've just had so much going on i have barely had time to breathe and now I do, and now i'm finally having counselling i'm able to really express how i'm feeling. And i realised i need to heal mentally, physically, from past, present and future.

I spoke a lot about relationships today and how as much as i want to let people in its hard because when i look in the mirror i see this girl with all her problems as i always say i am #a girl with baggage. But i said to her today who would want that?! I said imagine i was a dating profile on paper without knowing me who the bloody hell would want me? I'm not lonely but i think this is mainly about acceptance of myself rather than what others accept. I want to be happy with the person I see in the mirror. I want to recognise the person looking back at me. I want to look back at the past and not scrunch my face up in disgust and hate.

We spoke about me today, she asked me why do i hate myself? What is it about what happened to you that makes you hate yourself? And again my face scrunched up. I hate my name, i hate who I am, i hate the person i had to adapt and become because some selfish ass hole had to abuse me. I hate the fact that the previous love of mine made me feel like a child who was being used and abused for sex again. I hate that i feel weak, i hate all the things i became because of that. I said to her it's not a blame game here but when things happen to you good or bad they leave an imprint on your soul and imprint on who you will be in the future. Whether it’s your parents are conservative so you grow up that way. Or you have an anxious mother and you tend to have anxiety. Whether you've seen abuse in your childhood and grow up thinking it's the norm and carry on doing what was done. Our minds are so adaptable, and unique and still developing that were constantly learning as a child and maybe that's the time when i wish that i had experienced less of what I had.

My therapist told me today that I am healing…. Wow I am healing. I am getting there slowly but surely. But i realised this is a journey i just really need to take on my own at the minute. It's a one way ticket, and as much as i would love passengers i just need to figure out who I am.

I need to accept the person i see in the mirror, and realise there is nothing wrong with me. My diagnosis hasn't changed who I am. My past is not my past but a part of me, i need to learn to love who I am, who I became and who I was...I need to nurture the child in me that was lost along the way as hard as it might be….

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Disclaimer; these opinions are of my own and in no way represent others or individuals. These scenarios are used to help and inform others of abuse and mental health and self help. They are no way directed at individuals. Ren