The comeback is always bigger and better than the fall, this is what I’m telling myself. The last year I would say has not been the easiest. I was dealing with an awful relationship that came to end, a serious crash that left me physically unable to do pretty much anything. As well as the physical difficulties from the crash that co insides with my mental health diagnosis of personality disorder & PTSD. I was already diagnosed with anxiety and depression a few years back but have been able to find methods to deal with these and techniques so I can manage these on a competent level.
To say this crash completely knocked me off my feet is an understatement. Anyone who knows what it’s like being in a car accident or any traumatic event will know the pictures and replay of the event that follows you round after. You constantly replay the event thinking what you could have done differently, could I have avoided this? Could I have protected my friend better? Could I literally not be living my fears there and then in that moment?
I’ve never been in a serious crash in my life. So this was all new to me. I literally saw it happening and I was saying to myself as it was happening. No one is that stupid to do this, no one. I took my foot off the accelerator just in case it was going to happen, me again telling myself what kind of a twat would do that? Talking to myself I do this a lot, and it happened. Exactly what I thought was going to happen. Even though I had slowed down nothing could stop the event from happening. I watched it all, and it all went in slow motion, I wouldn’t say my life flashed before my eyes but I’d say the realisation that I could die in that moment hit me, and I accepted it. Once all the damage had been done and there was no more impact, all I could think of was my friend. I really didn’t care about myself; I just wanted to make sure he was okay. I love this friend of mine, and he has been so supportive since starting my job. He’s made days bearable and is basically my agony aunt, and all that ran through my head was how I’ve caused him to be in this accident and I hope he’s okay...I need him to be okay. Every fear that could run through my body did. I didn’t think about myself, till the paramedics came and I really how bad of shape I actually was in. The amount of guilt I felt, the guilt of the fact the vehicle was written off, the fact id let people down, the fact my friend ended up being hurt in the process. Then I felt shame, people were going to talk, people were going to judge me because of the accident. “women drivers” was all I kept thinking, I cried so much and kept saying I did my best I couldn’t do anything more. No one was seriously hurt, which I’m truly thankful for, all a bit bruised and battered, but alive the main thing.
Several weeks after I was still beating myself up about the crash. To the point I decided that being on this earth was too much, and the situations were too much to handle. I couldn’t handle the guilt, couldn’t handle the flashbacks anymore, and couldn’t handle the shame that came with it all. Looking back I still don’t regret my decision to try and take my own life because at the time, it was my choice and I don’t live life in regret now. Soon after I was diagnosed with personality disorder & PTSD. Things did start to make sense, and all my actions and choices made sense. It’s just a confusing thing, I was given my diagnosis and given and leaflet on it and sent on my way with medication. This was the hardest part trying to figure out who I am now, and how to help myself without having bad reactions to things anymore. So I started this blog, and it’s been helping and helping others.
As I started to heal mentally and physically, the time to come back to work reared its head. I won’t say ugly head because I was looking forward to going back to work as I felt ready. As soon as I realised I was going back to work, the PTSD popped back up. Again I began having nightmares every night, sweating literally dripping. The bed was soaked my clothes my hair turned curly from all the sweat. It was insane, but nothing I can do. I’m scared; I’m scared to go back to work. I’m scared to talk to people. I’m scared something might happen, I’m scared that my personality disorder is going to take over my life and I won’t be able to keep my job as much as I love it. I’m scared I’m going to be pushed out and not supported because I’m complicated. No one wants to deal with a difficult employee, now my bosses are wonderful and have been nothing but supportive but it is all in the back of my mind and it won’t go no matter how much I want it to.
I think I wanted my comeback to be triumph and be like I kicked my mental health & physical issues ass and I am epic. Look at me back at work like a “normal person”. I put so my pressure on myself, without realising everything that is achieved is something amazing, big or small it’s amazing. I literally worked 3 hours came home and passed out on the sofa, because it was tiring not just mentally but physically and it was a lot for me to handle and I’m not afraid to say that now. I worked 9 hours this week, when usually I do like 40+, but I worked! I did it! And no one can take that away from me. I’ve gone back to work, and my social life is back after my whole life was turned upside down. Anyone who’s had a diagnosis just thrown at them will completely relate to that.
Anything we achieve is amazing, if it’s getting out of bed, having a shower, deciding to go for a walk. Or deciding to go to work, going on a date. Set a goal and go for it, if you fall you fall, gravity is here to keep us grounded at the end of the day, it’s here to keep you balanced not to hold you down and were allowed to fall. Because we have the ability to get back up again. Just because we’re not doing the things we used to before doesn’t mean that were failing, it just means that were growing again and blossoming. Only we can tend to our gardens, I write this blog because I sure as hell beat myself up so much, and I know a lot of others do too. Life isn’t an image of you portraying a life for others, life is what you’re living and you shouldn’t be afraid to show people who you really are. I’m being more open and honest about myself and it’s been the best decision I’ve made my whole life.
I am a girl with baggage but I’m truthful about it and own that shit! No one can fuck up your comeback if you’re true to yourself and take your time, one day at a time we’ve all literally got this....faith and belief in ourselves is a powerful weapon. Talking about your fears is the biggest strength you can have
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Disclaimer; these opinions are of my own and in no way represent others or individuals. These scenarios are used to help and inform others of abuse and mental health and self help. They are no way directed at individuals. Ren