“I don’t know how to be responsible for everyone’s actions” – 2pac Shakur
Changes. Things change, life changes, you change. Things will never be the same. I don’t deal well with changes, but not everyone does. Once I get used to something, I admit I’m not one who likes for it to change. I like a routine in place, I like to know what’s happening or what will be happening. I don’t like to be taken off guard I suppose. Some bullshit my dad used to spin me when I was younger “expect the unexpected”. This quote would forever annoy and to be honest still annoys me. How are you supposed to expect something unexpected? I mean I’m already using my gut feeling for most things. So how is this supposed to work? I honestly can’t be any more suspicious than I already am about things, people, events and who knows what else.
For some time now things have been completely out of my control and I’ve had to I suppose just really accept these changes, much to my disapproval. My limitations have set in due to being physically still struggling after my RTA and learning all about my new mental health- personality disorder.
Only this week my osteopath told me she was leaving at the end of this month. I felt myself holding back the tears. I felt and still feel crushed. Probably sounds silly to anyone else, like just deal with it, sure there’s plenty of other osteopath’s out there. I mean yes there is; I know there is. But this wonderful woman was the only person since my RTA who’s been willing to help me. To not blame my injuries on my “mental state” as many other professionals have said. I look forward to my sessions with her because she’s made me feel normal. Made me realise my injuries are normal to the extent of my accident. She’s given me advice, had fitted me in for quick sessions, not charged me for some. She’s called to check on me and email. At every staged she’s made sure I’m okay and that I’m physically getting stronger so I can return to work. I’ve built a relationship with the woman. I’ve built trust with someone when my trust in anyone professional went down the toilet. She even offered to come to an MSK appointment with me. This woman has gone above and beyond the call of duty and has made me feel like a person not just another person in her office. So, it’s going to be hard for me, hard to rebuild trust with someone new. The reality of it is setting in, I have two more sessions with her, that’s it. Change… can be hard to accept
I think after my diagnosis I didn’t want things to keep changing because in all honesty I felt as though I couldn’t keep up. Couldn’t keep up with new people, new faces. New information, new medication, new exercises. I just wanted a few areas to stay similar, so I didn’t feel like quite such an alien living my life.
But as unpredictable as life is it always changes. My home situation Is changing. It’s annoying and frustrating because 1. I hate moving its hard work and exhausting mentally and physically. And 2. I won’t be living with my best friend anymore. I know its for the best and completely makes sense because of the individual situations but I am sad about it. It’s the little things really, I suppose, things like coming home and having a catch up. Deciding randomly to have a movie night or day out. Duvet days and being super fat and making loads of food. Just having my best friend around to talk to. Or when I was at my lowest and couldn’t sleep he stayed with me. I mean there’s a lot I wont miss…. Him blocking the bloody toilet. The amount of food he eats. The fact he still leaves switches on., despite my ocd levels. The way he leaves his beard hair all over the bathroom haha
Life is constantly changing and developing and adapting to the surroundings. I like many struggle, but its not like we can make the world stand still nor can we stand still. It’s just one of those things. I would like to say just roll with it, but my god id be such a bloody hypocrite if I said that because I sure as hell don’t do that. I’m more of a dig my feet in the ground and just hope things stop moving.
I crave change, but I crave the change in the things I wish to happen. And that’s where I no good at expecting the unexpected. I only want my expected to happen. I’m laughing as I write this because if only life was like that. If that was the case I really wouldn’t be anywhere, where I am now.
So at the same time of wanting what I want to happen and hating change, there’s things that have happened in my life that I cant be upset or sad that happened because I would of hated to of not met my friends along the way. Flash, shadow and astro too. And of course, my family.
I guess life does just happen right in front of you, changes too. Accepting of who you are and accepting life’s changes will only bring you peace. Everyone has to move on in their lives and get what they expect and work for as well as the unexpected.