Why won't someone listen to me? And for the love of... don't say so how does that make you feel *face plant*
I really wanted to write a blog on counselling, and how it helps or doesn't help. I went for my first session today since being diagnosed with depression, personality disorder and ptsd. I was a little bit apprehensive about talking to someone who i don't know as most people would be, but in all honesty i think that actually helped.
I was diagnosed with these mental health conditions after my crash, so November time. It feels like a lifetime ago, that i was in the crash, that i tried to take my own life and there i was sitting in a room with someone i didn't know bringing up all those emotions again and telling her part by part of what happened and how i felt.
The room was warm welcoming, i had the choice of a sofa, or a bouncy back support chair, i chose the chair with my bloody back i need that. I took water with me because as many of us know we get all dried throat when we try not to cry. I had requested a woman therapist, not because i'm not comfortable talking to a man but i felt it was more beneficial to me. She had placed tissues by the chair. I purposely didn't wear mascara this morning, because lord if i do cry i don't want to be looking like a panda that's for sure haha. A blubbering wreck in her trackie b’s (because the appointment was so early and i couldn't be bothered to get dressed up) with panda eyes, now that would of been a right picture..
Today was really way more of a release than i thought i was going to have. I have told my friends and family how i feel and what's been going on, and even though now i have been completely honest i think deep down we all still try to keep this front on so people don't really see the very down sides of us. We were talking about how exhausting it is pretending to be happy for the purpose of others, to mainly not seem like the miserable one, the one whos always moaning etc. That we put this front on, because if anything we don't need to stand out anymore than we already do.
Today was the day i really explained how having personality disorder has made me feel. I said its like there's so many different Ren’s. I kept referring to myself as the old Ren, and the new Ren. What made it better she didn't look at me like i was crazy, she completely understood. She put it so well what's been going on in my mind but not been able to find the words.
I saw myself as this independent, strong, with a bit of ocd,happy, funny woman before the crash. A woman who was in control and knew exactly what she wanted, and did not need people, self taught to care as she stated.
Then after the crash and diagnosis of personality disorder i felt as though i had lost all of that, i felt as though i had lost who i was due to a crash and a diagnosis. I felt weak, sad, angry, unable to control any emotions i had. I felt low, suicidal. I needed people, i was needy for someone to care for me, i let my appearance go, my ocd minimised, i wasn't in control of my life anymore.
We worked through that today, and she made me see that the old Ren and the new Ren aren't bad things. One isn't better than the other, one was more beneficial than the other. She said that the old Ren and the new Ren actually are here to work in harmony together. To help bring things new into your life that you need, or may of needed but you wouldn't let through. Now you're open to things and have let your walls down you can allow yourself to need people without feeling weak, Without worrying you're going to lose people due to your mental health.
I've not even seen this side to things, i mean why would i? I was saying goodbye to the Ren that i had made and developed over all these years, to become something i really didn't want to become. I cried as i said this to her…. “ i don't want to be vulnerable, i don't want to be this delicate flower”.
I kept my mental health a secret because i was ashamed and because i couldn't bare the thought of being treated differently. I didn't want to be the delicate flower anyway as someone had called me, let alone anymore delicate because of my mental health.
All in all, i can say confidently even after one session at counselling i already feel a bit better. I would recommend it to anyone. I waited 6 months for a session because I couldn't afford one, and although it was hard there are other services that i have used which have been so helpful and I wouldn't of been able to get through things without them, ill list them below.
My advice for if you go ahead and see a therapist:
Wear something you're comfortable in
Avoid mascara
Take some fluids with you (wine in a bottle if needed ha)
Be truthful with yourself in that session
& remember you are not alone in what you are going through
Signpost team-
Freephone number to speak to a Care Coordinator on 0800 0282 887 (8am-8pm Monday to Friday and 9am-5pm on Saturdays). Alternatively, you can contact us via our email address; info@signpostforbedfordshire.com.
our offer of support is open-ended and you can contact us at any time in the future. You can find more information about the local and national support services available to you on the Signpost for Bedfordshire website www.signpostforbedfordshire.com.
Victim support- Domestic violence/Abuse ( www.victimsupport.org.uk )
0808 168 9111
Samaritans- (www.samaritians.org )
116 123
jo@samaritans.org
Rape crisis centre- ( www.rapecrisis.org.uk )
Mind mental health- ( www.mind.org.uk )
Elefriends-( a chat website/app)
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Disclaimer; these opinions are of my own and in no way represent others or individuals. These scenarios are used to help and inform others of abuse and mental health and self help. They are no way directed at individuals. Ren