You can't choose your family...

You can't choose your family, and I couldn't choose what I endured.

I grew up in your typical 80's/90's Indian family. Where a women's place was in the kitchen the man was always right, and the children did exactly as they were told. As a female in this family upbringing we weren't allowed to be friends with boys, and behave badly. We had to be these "cute sweet girls". Now this is far from me, I'm 29 now and I have multiple tattoos pieceings, I cuss as much as a salior and I'm an unwed 29 year old Indian what has the world come to! If my father had anything to do with us, we'd all be in arranged marriage with another Indian person. Thankfully my mother brought us up, and she allowed us to be our own person.

When I was growing up, my older sister and I were about a year and a half apart so we grew up very close together. We had a strong bond as well as with our cousins. Most of our cousins were male. But I loved that, it allowed me to be the Tom boy I really was. Wrestling, video games, football I loved it.

I had a much older cousin we all loved him he was our favourite he would always be round playing games with us. And even after my mum and dad divorced he still would come round. Which if you're Indian back in the day this was frowned upon and we were disowned by the family but not him.

He would look after us, spend night over. He was the protective cousin. I remember my sister was bullied at school and he went down to the school to scare them, they soon left her alone.

But behind closed doors with,me the relationship wasn't as wonderful as I've just said. I still hold good memories of him but I can't change what he did to me and how it's affected my whole life.

He sexually abused me. He would sleep in my bed in the shared room with my sister and touch me and make me do things to him too .I never knew what any of this was, sounds silly as a grown up but I thought it was normal I was none the wiser. He would make a joke out of things and I just thought it was normal. It's disgusting to know now what he actually put me through. How he sexualised a young girl, and how that reflected on my actions towards others.

I have so many memories that will always be fixated in my mind. Some silly that I think I just locked into as a distraction when I started to feel uneasy of things happening. I remember meber when I saw his genitals and I laughed. He covered my mouth and told me to be quiet. Obviously I had never seen anything like this, what was it and I couldn't help but laugh. This was a man, I put trust into and he took my childhood my innocence my ability to love trust and feel secure with a man. B knew all this and just cemented how I abused when I was younger, and I'm still being abused and used for sexual acts. For gratification of others.

I have so many memories that will always be fixated in my mind. Some silly that I think I just locked into as a distraction when I staryto feel uneasy of things happening. I remmeber when I saw his genitals and I laughed. He covered my mouth and told me to be quiet. Obviously I had never seen anything like this, what was it and I couldn't help but laugh. This was a man, I put trust into and he took my childhood my innocence my ability to love trust and feel secure with a man. B knew all this and just cemented how I abused when I was younger,

There became a point where I started to feel uneasy about my cousin. I didn't want to do the things he wanted me to do anymore. My one memory that has stuck was the one thing I tried to stop him. I wore really right shorts one night.I remember the colour they were yellow with flowers on, and Minnie mouse on the top He struggled with these shorts but it didn't stop him, it's delayed him probably caused an inconvenience but that was it. I didn't know it was wrong I just know that I didn't want to keep doing it.

This carried on for years..

I never told anyone, because I didn't know what it was, I couldn't tell anyone. Then he passed away when I was in middle school and it was a shock to everyone. Everyone would say he was so young he was so lovely, he didn't deserve this. The more it was said the more I believed it and I didn't want to taint his memory everyone had of him.

So it isn't till now in my late 20's I've finally started letting people in and telling them what happened. I was diagnosed with personality disorder last year due to a crash and a overdose. She asked one of her first questions were you ever abused as a child.

Yes. Yes .I was.

As she read from her sheet to tell me all the signs and symptoms of personality disorders, my whole childhood flashed before my eyes and I saw everything I've been burrying to protect others when I've never protected myself.

I didn't deserve to loose my innocence nor my childhood. And certainly now with B I didn't deserve to loose the trust I had finally rebuilt after years of abuse from family and past lovers.

I have been controlled sexually abused and manipulated most of my life, but I am no victim.

I am me, and I am strong enough to live this life no matter what hurdles there are... Your pain will heal the world

Disclaimer; these opinions are of my own and in no way represent others or individuals. These scenarios are used to help and inform others of abuse and mental health and self help. They are no way directed at individuals. Ren